“Raye, don’t worry. I won’t leave!” Gosh, she was paranoid. Did she really believe that Thayer would leave her for a guy? She must be crazy! That would never happen. “What part of love don’t you get? I LOVE YOU. You are my sunshine, my ONLY sunshine.”
“I-I’m sorry, I just…you have your doubts about you and I have my doubts about me, OK?” God, sometimes it was so embarrassing how he could see right through her. But it made things a little easier sometimes too, like now. Her doubts started to go away. “I love you too,” she told him. She smiled at him. She loved it when he sang that song to her.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I swear. I’ve got a lot off of my chest. Even though it was only about 10 minutes. Thanks…” He felt like he got more off of his chest than at a therapy session. “But… Um… I don’t know, but I’m planning to find out. I won’t leave you. God, I won’t. But, I just need to find out for me, you know?”
She smiled a little. She’d been able to help him, even just a little. That was all she wanted. “Um, o-okay,” she said quietly, a little bit of doubt manifesting in her thoughts. What if he found someone else in the process? He couldn’t stay with her just to keep her from being hurt. That was worse than the alternative….
“T-True. I th-think I’m more straight, but I don’t know. I know I like girls, but liking guys was a phase, right?” He wasn’t questioning Raye; it was more aimed toward himself. He’d figure that out later. “Thanks a lot, Raye. I’m… I’m ok. You’re a lifesaver. I love you. I love you so much.”
“It doesn’t matter if it was just a phase or not. You’ve like boys and girls, there’s nothing wrong with that.” She gave him another kiss on the cheek. “Are you sure you’re OK? You’re not just saying that for my sake, are you?”
Thayer sobbed louder than he though he would. He was happy that someone was there with him. Otherwise the other razor would e taken out and used. He managed to hold some tears back. “Ugh, I’m such a g-girl,” he joked. “My dad would be happy about this. His logic was that if he couldn’t g-get a girl, he wanted a gay son. G-Go figure.”
“I resent that,” she said, smiling a little. “Even though I cried about fifty times today…but that’s just because I’m sensitive, not because I’m a girl. Well, you aren’t actually gay, otherwise I’d be pretty crushed.” She kept holding him and kissed him on the cheek. She hoped he would start to calm down soon, if not feel better. She wouldn’t let go of him until he did, and even then, she probably would’ve held him longer still.
“I d-don’t de-deserve you o-or Di…” He sighed heavily. He didn’t want to speak anymore. He didn’t want to think anymore. All Thayer wanted to do was get rid of all of the emptiness he felt inside. How does one get rid of emptiness when there’s nothing really to fill it with?
“Yes you do. You make us so happy. Di loves you more than anything, Thayer. You’re all she talks about. And you guys are all I talk about. You’re my family. The both of you. I need both of you. Oh, I wish I could fix this,” she murmured. “I wish I could help.” She’d felt this feeling before, many times with Diona, but that was brought on by physical things, not emotional things. The first time she was sick enough to require hospitalization was the first time Raye really felt this sort of helplessness and it was the worst feeling in the world.
Thayer nodded. He wasn’t on the verge of having any attack of some sort, which was good. He whimpered to himself. This was something that he didn’t expect from the new medication. “I-I-I wish m-my mom wa-was here. G-God, I’m a- I’m a wreck.” He shivered a little, reaching for Raye’s hand.
When he let her keep holding him, Raye tightened her arms around him a little, and started running her fingers through his hair again. She wished his mother was here too. She’d know what to do. Just her presence would help him, actually. “You’re not a wreck, Thayer. You have problems that you need help getting through, but you aren’t a wreck. You’re my wonderful fiance and I’m so lucky to have you. Don’t put yourself down like that.”
“I… I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t. I thought I was dying. I’m so scared, Raye. I’m so sc-scared. The m-medicine can be adjusted in-in-in a week because that’s when my next ap-appointment is.” Thayer’s stuttering came back during times like this. It was worse when he was 6 or 7. “I sou-sound st-st-stupid, and I’m sorry.” Thayer stopped talking. He felt as much as a loser he did in 1st grade: stuttering, blushing from embarrassment, and crying.
“You don’t sound stupid, darling. Don’t apologise. It’s OK.” She hoped he didn’t push her off again when she hugged him. She wanted him to know that she was here for him no matter what and that she was trying. “You can tell the psychiatrist and everything will get better when they give you a new prescription.” I hope, she thought.
Thayer quickly shoved her hand away as he woke up. “Don’t touch me, please. Don’t… Don’t touch me.” He sat up in the bed and let another tear roll down his face. “These pills. I’ve taken them once, and I’m already having side effects. These dreams… They’re feeling way too real.”
“I-I’m sorry,” she murmured. She was helpless again. She wanted to help him, but she couldn’t. She had no idea how to react to this sort of thing or how to handle it. She wondered if she’d ever learn how to. “Maybe you can get a different prescription, one where the side effects don’t effect you as much,” was all she could suggest.
“Mom?” He whimpered. He shifted to his side. His black hair was messed up now. Thayer spoke a little louder with the next phrase. “No… NO. H-Help.” The tears flowed a little easier from his closed eyes. “S-Stop.”
Raye let out a shuddering exhale and went over to him. She began to run her hand over his hair and try to wake him gently, calling his name. “Thayer. Sweetheart, wake up.” She had been hoping this wouldn’t have happened, that it would keep being a good dream. He couldn’t even escape his pain in his sleep and that killed her.